Brace yourself. Thanksgiving is coming. For those of you going home, you have a row of questions lined up for you about "Hollywood Life". Some of us have been through this many years already, and in turn now celebrate "Friendsgiving" instead. But for the young baby calves that still miss their extended families and need to see them on holidays, here's a guide to help you get through with your sanity still in tact.
1. "Have you met any celebrities?"
--This one you can have a little fun with. You've seen some celebrities by now, there's no way you haven't. Did you interact with them? Unless you're in the service industry, probably not. So what you can say is, "Oh yeah! I saw J-Lo at The Griddle in WeHo! She seemed nice."
You've done two things with this answer, you've satisfied their need for you to be friends with a celebrity, and you've spoken gibberish at the same time so they won't ask again. The Griddle? WeHo? What are you talking about? Is this like a Denny's? Now you get to talk about 12" pancakes instead of celebrity sitings. I digress.
2. "What have you been working on? What show should I be looking out for?"
--Well, um, I booked this web series.. So that's kind of cool. I get to act and I'll have something for my reel. You have to start somewhere. I get to play a vampire! I don't know, I'm pretty excited about it!
3. "Where can I watch it? I'll make sure your Uncle Dave DVR's it!"
--Ah, um, it's on the internet. Probably YouTube? I don't know...it's stupid...sorry.
4. "Well Nancy's daughter just moved out there and has been in ALL sorts of TV shows. Have you tried getting on Stranger Things? She was on Stranger Things!"
--Ohhh! Ding ding ding! Why haven't I just been TRYING TO GET ON TV! My bad! I've just been walking around HOLLYWOOD TRYING TO GET DISCOVERED. STUPID ME! -- Now's the time to pour yourself some wine, dear child. You're about to get a load of advice from people that have no idea how the industry works.
5. "Well why don't you try getting an agent? Nancy's daughter is with someone called The Central Casting Agency. She's met all kinds of celebrities. She's filming a movie right now with Melissa McCarthy!"
--CENTRAL CASTING?! Ohhhhh god d******. Nancy's daughter is doing background work! It's background work!
6. "Oh you're too good for carbs? Jeannine! Do you have any grass for Hollywood over here? They're one of them vegans now!"
--I, I'm not vegan. I just don't want all of the carbs. Wait, what? What does that have to do with being vegan? This isn't even mea-
7. "Have you met any gay people? You know your cousin thinks she's gay. She'll grow out of it though"
--Oh my god where am I? What year is this? Do we have whiskey? I can't do this.
8. "Have you ever thought about moving home? They're startin to shoot stuff here! Wouldn't that be funny? You move all the way to Hollywood and then Hollywood moves away!"
Sigh. Hollywood isn't movi--(drink)
9. "Ya know, I heard you have to know somebody in the biz to make it in Hollywood. It's a shame, it's gonna be so much harder for you! Maybe you could meet a nice rich man! Have you thought about getting into writing instead?"
--Writing? Writing isn't easier. Seriously, where is that whiskey? I know we had some...
10. "Have you had any Earthquakes?"
--Yeah, but they're always like really small you barely even feel them...
11. There's my favorite niece! Are you still trying to be an actress? When are you gonna get married? Ya know you don't have forever. What are you gonna do when this all falls through? Have you thought about getting into the medical field? You know radiologists make a butt load. I'm sure your parents would let you move back home! Have you met any nice boys out in Hollyweird? I saw on TMZ that Brad Pitt was single again! He's old enough to be your dad though. Hey! You could always be a playboy bunny! Oh I'm just kidding. Maybe you could get on one of those reality shows? Have you thought about doing any commercials?
--I knew I should have brought Cards Against Humanity...OH MY GOD I FOUND THE WHISKEY!